The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
