OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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