how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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