So drunk its hurt
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
