Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
