i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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