Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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