Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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