i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
