No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
