I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
