Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
