She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
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