Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
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I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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