a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
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The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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