my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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