I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
