my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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