Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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