Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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