Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
