we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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