nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
