I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
