I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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