happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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