Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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