I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
what day is it and did you see me today?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
