Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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