His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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