Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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