I swear she didn't look like that last week.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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