Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's no shave November. This is our time.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize