the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
