Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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