Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
