Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When are your genitals available?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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