You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
