why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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