I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
