Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
