what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
