don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
