if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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