i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
