an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
