You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
