is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
