the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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