I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
