Your mouth is God's brothel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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