My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
