Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
