its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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