There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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