he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
