sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
