then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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